The Gary Floater Lyrics Collection

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THE DIRTY SOUTH

I drank White Lightning when I was still in a crib
I had a moon pie smeared all over my bib
I punched my first grade teacher right straight in the mouth
Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South

Got a Dale Jr. tattoo here on my back
And my ears are still ringing from the NASCAR track
I punched Jeff Gordon right straight in the mouth
Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South

SOLO

My baby takes her top off when we go to the lake
She’s soft and sexy but she’s mean as a snake
If I catch you looking at her punch you straight in the mouth
That’s how we do it in the Dirty South

The C.M.T. award show was a hell of a time
Tanya Tucker winked at me when was standing in line
My wife punched her right straight in the mouth
Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South
Yeah that’s how we do it in the Dirty South

THAT’S WHEN THE EAGLE SCREAMS

Folks are talking and a-talking a how the U.S. ain’t the best
But the eagle is getting tired of y’all shitting in his nest
You thought he was only sleeping, you plucked feathers out one by one
But he just had one eye closed, so amigo ya better run

Cause we’re flying down to Mexico, we’re gonna rain on your parade
Thirty pounds of angry eagle and he damn sure ain’t afraid
Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams
Cause just when you ain’t watching, that’s when the eagle screams

It’s a sticky situation for ol’ Jacque and Pierre
Maple syrup can’t stop eagles when they’re flying through the air
You can keep your old bacon, you can have your natural gas
Look out you old maple leaf, you can kiss this eagle’s ass

Cause we’re flying up to Canadia, we’re gonna rain on your parade
Thirty pounds of angry eagle, he damn sure ain’t afraid
Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams
Cause just when you ain’t watching, that’s when the eagle screams – Shaw!

SOLO

And as for you old Aussies, look out for number one
You can keep your old koala bear and Olivia Newton-John
You can get physical all you want, but we’re gonna make it stick
With some good ol’ apple pie and a big ol’ eagle dick

Cause we’re flying up to Stralia, we’re gonna rain on your parade
Thirty pounds of angry eagle, he damn sure ain’t afraid
Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams
Cause just when you ain’t watching, son, that’s when the eagle screams
Just when you ain’t looking, that’s when the eagle screams

STAND BACK BOYS I’M FIXING TO CARE

The desert rose cantina in Phoenix AZ
Can be a lonely ol’ place for a singer like me
Pretty peroxide blonde sitting close to the stage
Thirty-six, twenty-four and a third of my age
She’s looking at this cowboy with a sexy stare
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care

She sucks on a longneck and licks her lips
Eats a handful of cherries and shakes her hips
She turns around and shows me her zebra thong
She yells out that the Dirty South is her favorite song
I want some honey like a grizzly bear
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care

She smokes a Camel 100 and tosses her hair
She looks about as juicy as a Bartlett pear
I want to lay on her like a La-Z-Boy Chair

Stand back boys I’m fixing to care
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care

A HERO NEVER LEARNS

I took my mom to the Luby’s after Friday night’s football game
The man at the checkout line said “there goes old what’s-her-name”
She said “you ought not talk that way to the people that raised you up”
So I stared him down and I clenched my fist, I said “mama, get in the truck”

Cause a hero never learns
Never tells nobody no
Never says I told you so
It’s a fire that always burns
A hero never learns
A hero never learns

I drove my dog in my pickup truck out to the edge of town
To a place he’d never been before, then I turned that truck around
Ol’ Hank was a good old dog but I had to set him free
I tried not to look in my rear view mirror as he was chasing after me

Cause a hero never learns
Never tells nobody no
Never says I told you so
It’s a fire that always burns
A hero never learns
A hero never learns

WHOLE LOT FURTHER TO FALL

From the top of the Empire State Building to the bottom of a Mexican whore
I’ve seen the high and low places most men ain’t been before
Now to see me crawling, you think it’s a new low
But wait and see how much distance I have got to go

I’ve got a whole lot further to fall
I’m crashing through your rock bottom and all
Look out below you devil, ol’ Gary’s coming to call
I got a whole lot further to fall

From the top of the Pyrenees mountains to the bottom of a Dutch canal
You might think I’ve done all the falling that the good Lord would allow
If you see a hole in your basement floor that’s just Gary passing through
Sinking like a stone is what I was born to do

I’ve got a whole lot further to fall
I’m crashing through your rock bottom and all
Ah come on now, look out devil, ol’ Gary’s coming to call
I got a whole lot further to fall

Yeah, I got a whole lot further
I got a whole lot further to fall
I got a whole lot further
I got a whole lot further to fall

HOLDING ON SO TIGHT

Hey Gary, you gonna run down to Carl’s Corner and pick you out one of them lot lizards?

Negatory on the lot lizard, good buddy. I’ve had the old lady in mind for the last five hundred miles and I’m still a long way from home. Think this freight is gonna have to wait, ol’ Gary’s gonna crawl in the back and punch the clown.

I pulled into the truck stop, turned off the radio
I shut her down in the parking lot by the smoky neon glow
All the way down a big ol’ shelf of magazines wrapped in plastic
But I did not even bat an eye, I just walked on past it

I’m holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home
These late nights on the road make a man feel alone
Sometimes I get so lonely, right down to the bone
Holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home

Well, it takes two to tango, but I’m dancing by myself
Like that pretty glass unicorn on the truckstop giftshop shelf
My fantasy seems so close, but I’m feeling so low
’Til I can touch you again, I just can’t let go

SOLO

GRANDPA’S PROMISE

He grew up in the Tennessee mountains without a penny to his name
He taught me how to be a man and how not be ashamed
Though he had only a rock for a pillow and granite pebbles were his only friends
He had something he had to tell me before his life would end
Though we were common people, he had uncommon pride
And this is what he told me the day that he died
Heeyahhh!
That’s what ol’ grandpa said
Just before he left this world
And then he was dead

He was mean as a viper, sneaky as an old tomcat
He died with a hard on, but we won’t talk about that
He never read a book, he never wrote a word
The moment ‘fore he died ‘Hyahh!’ is what I heard

IT’S HIGH TIME THIS OLD COWBOY QUIT GETTING SO GOLDANGED HIGH

Heineken mornings and hashish afternoons
Wishing for long trips but they’re ending too soon
Woke up in a bathtub fully dressed soaking wet
Chasing the whiskey it’s mixed with regret

It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
Can’t soar like an eagle if you’re too fucked up to fly
Laughing just like a hyna, as the tears roll down my eye
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high

All the folks I let down and everything I snorted
I didn’t give an Amsterdam until I got deported
On that long flight back to JFK, I drank so much champagne
They had to tie me to my chair when I tried to fly the plane

SOLO

It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldanged high
Can’t soar like an eagle if you’re too fucked up to fly
Laughing just like a hyna, as the tears roll down my eye
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high

LET ME KISS YOU WHERE IT HURTS

You say you’ve had it up to here
With all the lying and the tears
Your heart’s been broke so many ways
That’s why you’re sitting here today
Watching bubbles in your beer

Well, darling I’ve been feeling blue
So can I sit down next to you
Throw some light upon the shade
In this honky-tonk parade
Let me look into your eye

Let me kiss you where it hurts
I put my finger on it first
Dancing while my flashlight shines
That you see from time to time
Let me kiss you where it hurts

I’ve got my nine volts in the car
In case we wander off too far
You don’t even have to ask
I’ll put on my rubber mask
Let me kiss you where it hurts

I’ve got a camera in the van
That’s just the kind of man I am
We’ll throw some loving on YouTube
Just to see what we can do
Let me kiss you where it hurts

I’ve got a bobcat-colored jacket
I’ve got a pair of golden keys
Nobody’s ever asked me why
I’m just an ordinary guy
Let me kiss you where it hurts

Let me kiss you where it hurts
I’ll put my finger on it first
Dancing while my flashlight shines
That you see from time to time
Let me kiss you where it hurts
Come on, let me kiss you where it hurts

DUST OFF THE DULCIMER (ONE MORE TIME)

Butterscotch in a candy bowl
Sticky peppermint and a Tootsie Roll
Doily protects the table there
Plastic covers on all his chairs

Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time
Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time
You can’t keep it to yourself, can’t keep it on that shelf
Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time

Wilford Brimley on a TV there
He sold grandpa a scooter chair
Refrigerator full of ol’ Schlitz beer
Grandpa used to be an auctioneer

Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time
Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time
You can’t keep it on a shelf, you can’t keep it to yourself
Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time

Guess I didn’t inherit that old man’s hands
I can’t play an instrument worth a damn
Now the house is dark at eight PM
He’s taking off his slippers getting all tucked in

SOLO

Driving in I passed the fishing hole
Grandpa’s gone but I saw his pole
His jumpsuit’s on a hanger there
Thought I heard a dulcimer ringing in the air

You can’t keep it on a shelf, don’t keep it to yourself
Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time

THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO

This old world can be confusing
All the colors shapes and sounds
Rules and regulations
Plants and animals abound

Sometimes it’s hard to know
Just where a country boy belongs
What a country boy should feel
When he hears a country song

I’m gonna kiss my kids and go to work
Drive around in a truck like a big old jerk
Punch the clock and then I’ll drink a brew
That’s what I’m gonna do

Must be nice to go to Starbucks
Drink a Frappaccino tea
Smell my Folgers in the morning light
Folgers is good enough for me

I’m gonna kiss my kids and go to work
Drive around in a truck like a big old jerk
Punch the clock and then I’ll drink a brew-
I come crawling in at 3 AM
Breathin’ on you when you’re all tucked in
Make sweet love for a minute or two
That’s what I’m gonna do

Gonna kiss my kids and go to work
Drive around in a truck like a big old jerk
Punch the clown and then I’ll drink a brew
That’s what I’m gonna do
That’s what I’m gonna do
That’s what I’m gonna do
That’s what I’m gonna do

COACH’S SONG

Coach was standing alone
With a wet megaphone
In the pouring rain
They thought he was insane
He’s got his plumsmugglers on
Singing a coach’s song
Playbook in his hand
Beneath the stadium stands

It’s not a threat, it’s a fact
We gotta win district back
We gotta clean up our act
It’s not a threat, it’s a fact

Just look up on that wall
The boys who won district before
Those are the faces of winners
That you see by the door
Rainwater streams off his brim
This town don’t believe in him
Those boys had no fear
Like a truck in winning gear

It’s not a threat, it’s a fact
We gotta win district back
This time there’s no looking back
It’s not a threat, it’s a fact

They haven’t won a game
But he’s got district dreams
He tackled himself
For the good of the team
Over a glass of wine
At the house with his wife
To bring that trophy in
He’d gladly give his life

It’s not a threat, it’s a fact
We gotta win district back
This time there’s no looking back
It’s not a threat, it’s a fact

Y’ALL WATCH THIS

We were down at the quarry, having a hell of a time
There was a hundred foot ditch, trucks parked by the edge in a line
Jimmy jumped in his truck and he raised up a Shiner Bock
He hollered out the window, truck tires spinning out over the rocks

Y’all watch this, y’all watch me
Them words are burned in my memory
Y’all watch this, y’all watch me
That truck caught fire like you rarely see
Y’all watch this

We were up on the spillway, though they said that the dam was closed
We were taking in the view when Eddie took off his clothes
He drank a chug of Mad Dog 20 then he raised up a rebel yell
Eddie sure could whoop and holler, but he couldn’t swim too well

Y’all watch this, y’all watch me
He wasn’t quite sure where the water’d be
Y’all watch this

We were south of Laredo, having a ball at that ol’ Boys Town
Delbert couldn’t speak good Spanish, that night he was throwing it down
He really only knew two words, vato and odelay
He yelled em as jumped onstage, pushed the donkey out of the way

Y’all watch this, y’all watch me
That donkey show wasn’t meant to be
Sometimes life don’t match plans
He’s gonna need a doctorman
Y’all watch this

PULL OVER I WANT TO EAT THAT

I really shouldn’t, I’m stuffed
You think I’ve had enough
Eat ’til I shit pants
Come on give me another chance

I gotta take care of these hungry dreams
Til I’m satisfied
Pull over I want to eat that
I want to eat it with country pride

Cow, chicken, or pig
Put it on a sign real big
Til I’m full as a tick
Well, I think I’m gonna be sick

I gotta take care of these hungry dreams
Til I’m satisfied
Pull over I want to eat that
I want to eat it with country pride

SOLO

Oh no you didn’t, honky please
Hands off that American cheese
Country boy, country ham
Chicken fried, hot damn!

I gotta take care of these hungry dreams
Til I’m satisfied
Pull over I want to eat that
I want to eat it with country pride
Pull over I want to eat that
I want to eat it with country pride

SUNBURN LAKE

Summertime sunnyshine lake bum sunburnt assholes on a boat
Jet ski out on a ski bob like a wet billy goat
Out on Sunburn Lake, down on Shitface Dam
My cutoff jorts are wet and I can’t remember who I am

With my deep sea necklace shells that shine
I feel like a native from an earlier time
With a hat cut off at the top of my head
I feel like a pirate and the pirate said
Caribbean jerk chicken on my plate
Out on Sunburn Lake

SOLO

Up on Jackass Creek, down on Shithead Dam
When I’m out on Sunburn Lake with a catfish in my hand
Sunblock on my nose, jet ski rides a wake
Baby takes her top off out on Sunburn Lake

With my deep sea necklace shells that shine
I feel like a native from an earlier time
With my hat cut off at the top of my head
I feel like a pirate and the pirate said
Caribbean jerk chicken on my plate
Out on Sunburn Lake
Up on Jackass Creek
down on Shitface Dam
Out on Sunburn Lake
Summertime, sunnyshine lake bum sunburnt assholes on a boat

AMERICANA ME

I have got this guitar made of wood
Don’t you think this guitar sounds so good
My roots are deep in this genre’s music tree
Americana me

I wish my grandpa was still alive today
On our front porch, Americana’s what he’d play
You know some things ain’t the way they used to be
They can change, not Americana me

This guitar made of wood and wire and steel
Helps me get that Americana feel
This genre is the perfect choice for me
Americana me

SOLO

I have got this guitar made of wood
Don’t you think this guitar sounds so good
Grandpa, you’d be so proud to see
Americana me
Americana me
Americana me

STORIES FROM THE OLD BIBLE

When I was just a young pup, barely 3 foot high
My daddy’d drink some cool ones, and get a twinkle in his eye
He’d start to telling stories from a Bible no one ever heard
Some folks said he made it up- I believe every word

He said there’s an Old Bible, not the new one they’ve got out
That his daddy told him stories from, and he never had a doubt
He’d crack another cold one, tell stories never heard before
He’d pretty much act it out, them old tales of the Lord

He said dinosaurs tried to kill Jesus, but he fought em with his lightsaber
T. Rex and Pterodactyle could not tear down the savior
Listen to the stories daddy taught me well
How Jesus fought the dinosaurs and sent them all to hell

Then his spaceship took flight, he said he’d be back again
He’d come back down to Georgia, and help Charlie Daniels win
So I don’t want to see your pictures of satanic giraffe
I don’t believe in fossils, they only make me laugh
Listen to the stories my daddy taught me well
How Jesus fought the dinosaurs and sent them all to hell

HIGH WITH GUY

I’m getting high with Guy
Getting high with Guy
Guy and I
My, my, my
Get so high

I wrote a song with Guy
Guy and I wrote a song
That song is strong
Me and Guy

He said a hundred percent of the pie
Belongs to Guy
If this song should fly
Getting high with Guy
High, high, high

YESSIR

As my favorite singer sang I yelled out a loud “yessir!”
And he looked kind of startled, I guess I musta caused quite a stir
I took a picture of myself watching him with a camera phone I bring
So I won’t forget the day I saw that ol’ boy see me watch him sing

I pointed to my eyes with two fingers, then straight at his, his eyes how they shined
He had his elevens showing – we were touching each other’s mind
I know we had a moment made us both feel a little less alone
Seeing him, seeing me, yell at him, the greatest day I’ve ever known

Willie, Waylon, Merle, and George played Branson – each sang a tender song
Each time I hollered out “yessir,” they glared at me like I’d done something wrong
But I saw Nelson watching Jennings watching Haggard as he was watching Jones
Seeing them, seeing me, yell at them, the greatest day I’ve ever known

WHO CARES

Making my way on the circuit, being a part of the scene
I’m not playing to empty rooms, it’s bartenders and me

Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song

The crowd has left this venue, they can’t find my flow
I was working this bar for free, but they had to let me go

Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song
Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song

With all this premium talent, I can carry this show alone
But they have revoked my license, so I’m gonna need a ride home

Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song
Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song

SOLO

Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song
Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song
(All the girls)
Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song
(All the guys)
Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song
(All the Oak Ridge Boys)
Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song
Who cares? Me cares, me cares about me and my song
Who cares? We cares, we cares about we and our song

LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH

My body’s here but my mind’s at home
One more hour ’til I’m spending time alone
I’d like to thank you all for bringing money here
At this time, I wish that I could disappear

I’m phoning it in again, here you go
Why did I agree to do this show?
I don’t know, I guess I’ll have to plead the fifth
Come on guys, let’s get this over with

My beard and shades are like a mobile home
My singing mouth has got to do this job alone
This apathetic band is the best that I could find
I’m on my way to Cracker Barrel in my mind

I’m phoning it in again, here you go
Why did I agree to do this show?
I don’t know, I guess I’ll have to drink a fifth
Come on guys, let’s get this over with

Just a shell of me is left and the smell of doom
The magic me has already left the room
I don’t know, I guess I’ll have to drink a fifth
Come on guys, let’s get this over with
Come on guys, let’s get this over with

I’M A ALCOHOLIC

Wine is meant to be spilled
Time is meant to be killed
I’m behind on all my bills
I’ve got a serious problem

My health has gone to pot
My nerve’s completely shot
This bottle’s all I’ve got
This is not a joke

I’m a alcoholic
Yeah, no really, alcoholic
Full blown alcoholic
I’m a alcoholic, eve-ry-day

Wine, whiskey, and beer
Can’t reduce my fear
Still I hold booze dear
It’s a disease, people

They say go on and turn the page
As I throw up on a stage
They say, come on, act your age
But I’m really feeling old right now

I’m a alcoholic
Oh yeah, alcoholic
Country alcoholic
I’m a alcoholic, eve-ry-day

Well now, the free booze in this job
Turns me to a drunken slob
I hold my head and sob
I’m really sad now

In the songs I sing
Problems caused by one thing
I only stop-a my drink-ing
Oh Lord! When I pass out

I’m a alcoholic
Oh baby, alcoholic
Total alcoholic
I’m a alcoholic, eve-ry-day

I’m a alcoholic
I’m singing out for help
I never thought I’d end up like this
Yeah, the party’s put me down

I’m a alcoholic
Total alcoholic
Full blown, everyday
I’m a alcoholic eve-ry-day

NATURE SONG

Hear the chipmunk sing
Crickets rub their wings
The cow is moaning low
The river’s flowing slow
I was staring at a deer
Does that make me queer
I guess it was a buck
I want it in my truck

Nature turns me on
So I wrote a nature song
I could fall in love with anything right now

Squirrels shake and dance
The robin lost his pants
Every time I mow the grass
Fireflies light their ass
That possum in a tree
You’re much too young for me
That fuzzy headed bear
He’s pretending not to stare

Nature turns me on
So I wrote a nature song
I could fall in love with anything right now

See that ol’ raccoon
I invite it to my room
Lizard on the run
We sure had us some fun
Your candy to my eyes
But your parts are not my size
Mammals all around
How I’d love to lay them down

Nature turns me on
So I wrote a nature song
I could fall in love with anything right now

I know the ring neck duck
Is a ruffle-feathered slut
Sleeping in the trees
The turkey is a tease
We both know it’s not right
How you stay out all night
Every time I’m in the yard
Nature’s looking at me hard

Nature turns me on
So I wrote a nature song
I could fall in love with anything right now

SEAMUS WAS A HERO

Two hundred years before I’s born
Uncles Seamus caught a unicorn
Too little meat and too much horn
Seamus was a hero

He fashioned him a rope of vine
Spoke every boast that crossed his mind
How many unicorns do you find
Seamus was a hero

He rode him all the way to town
To show the creature he had found
The beast did puff and prance around
Seamus was a hero

The luckiest man ever born
Danced too close to the magic horn
He was impaled upon a unicorn
Seamus was a hero
Seamus was a hero

TWO BORING LOSERS IN LOVE

I fell asleep at our wedding, I dozed off making love to you
You bore me to tears, you tell me that I’m boring too
Just everyday losers with nothing else better to do

Two boring people, two boring losers – in love
Two nobodies, no one to take notice of
They fit together like a hand in a big boring glove
They’re just everyday people, two boring losers in love

It’s amazing to see the boring look in your eyes
It’s hard to believe our completely uninteresting lives
Fight, fuck, break up, then make up when somebody cries

Two boring people, two boring losers – in love
Everyday assholes – the only kind I’m singing of
They fit together like a hand in a big boring glove
They’re just everyday people, two boring losers in love
They’re just everyday people, two boring losers in love

THANKS ME

I was tucking myself in
At the Holiday Inn
It should have been a good night
The band was sounding tight
I wonder why nobody came
They musta not recognized my name
Up on the marquis sign
They spelled it wrong again this time
Whenever I feel this way
There’s only one thing to say

Thanks me, thanks me for the songs
Always sang em right, I never wrote em wrong
Congratulations me, the place should have been packed
I say thank you to me, pat myself on the back
Thanks me

I was eating birthday cake
Off a lonesome paper plate
No postal letter came
Nobody yelled my name
Another feather falls
Another stranger calls
Another year gone by
So many visions in my eye
Whenever I get this way
There’s only one thing to say

Thanks me, thanks me for the songs
Always wrote em right, never sang em wrong
Congratulations me, the place should have been packed
I say thank you to me, pat myself on the back

Thanks me, thanks me for the songs
Always sang em right, never wrote em wrong
Congratulations me, the place should have been packed
I say thank you to me, pat myself on the back
Thanks me
Thank you buddy
Thanks you pal
Thanks me

MIDNIGHT AT THE GROCERY STORE

It was midnight at the grocery store
I’d forgotten what I came there for
So I stopped and thumped the produce for awhile
Then all pink and round I saw her there
I did my best, tried not to stare
But I starting closing in to the Frito aisle

Eye shadow blue, red lipstick lips
Right near a wall of flavored chips
Hair rollers rolled my heart around
Her flip flops flipped, my head did spin
She caught my gaze, she smiled and then
I dropped my can of bean dip to the ground

Her makeup made her look surprised
Her eyebrows aimed into my eyes
She had a way of looking right through you
The girl in the pink muu muu

When I came to, she was gone
I was on the floor at the break of dawn
A sad love song on the grocery store PA
Intercom said “clean up aisle four”
I stumbled out the exit door
A big fuchsia sky hung over me that day

Her makeup made her look surprised
Her eyebrows aimed into my eyes
She had a way of looking right through you
The girl in the pink muu muu

So don’t waste your chance, I lost my dream
Love comes wrapped in many things
It appears, then disappears too soon
Now every night I walk the aisles
In a bathrobe, slippers with a crazy smile
My love floated in like a rose balloon

Her makeup made her look surprised
Her eyebrows aimed into my eyes
She had a way of looking right through you
The girl in the pink muu muu
The girl in the pink muu muu
The girl in the pink muu muu
Muu muu

HELLO DIABETES

Hello Diabetes, I knew you’d come to town
I’ve been waiting for you, wondering when you’d come around
My blood sugar’s rising up like the great speckled bird
Such a terrible disease- such a funny word

So hello Diabetes they told me you’d be here
I left the light on for you through all the Ding Dong years
So bring me a shot of insulin, tequila, and some lime
Hello Diabetes, you strange new friend of mine

All things must find a place to live and I guess that you do too
So get in with all the Twinkies, Big Red, and Mountain Dew
So bring me a shot of insulin with that ice cold beer
Hello Diabetes, they told me you’d be here
Solo!

Now I’m pricking my finger, taking all them pills
Hello Diabetes, my new Achille’s heel

SELFISH LOVER

Selfish lover, please don’t leave
Why do you make me wear a frown?
Selfish lover please believe
I never meant to punch the clown

Grab the ice pack off the shelf
Why must you always leave me blue
I’ve taken matters in my own hands
Tell me what else can I do

Selfish lover, please don’t leave
Why do you make me wear a frown?
Selfish lover, please believe
I never meant to punch the clown

SHOWDOWN AT THE COUNTRY CLUB

I try to use good manners like mama taught me to
But there’s one thing a man just cannot do
So when you asked how’s my wife, you know damn well
In polite conversation, there’s things we just can’t tell

The ice sculpture melts as I sip my wine
You ask how she’s doing, I say she’s doing fine
I know that you make love to her and you do it all the time
How can I shake the hand of the one who shit in mine?

At the buffet table, I say, “no, please, after you”
Country club manners, cocktail rendezvous
We talk about the weather, we talk about the news
But I must excuse myself for another glass of booze

The ice sculpture melts as I sip my wine
You ask how she’s doing, I say she’s doing fine
I know that you make love to her and you do it all the time
How can I shake the hand of the one who shit in mine?

We talk of sports and golf, til it’s time I said adieu
That’s my Lincoln Towncar, well I guess you’d like to ride that too
I must say farewell as the valet holds my keys
I let my stink eye linger before I turn to leave

I pull my car into traffic from the valet line
You asked me how she’s doing, I said she’s doing fine
I know that you make love to her and you do it all the time
How can I shake the hand of the one who shit in mine?

WHATEVER MAN

I’m proud of having pride
I stood up to take a stand
They said just sit down
You couldn’t find your ass with both hands
I’m a horse of a different color
In a one horse town
I’m the south end of a dead horse
You’re beating on the ground

Pain don’t hurt
Tears don’t cry
Leaves don’t fall
Death don’t die
Sad’s not blue
Red’s not green
Something like that
You know what I mean
Loud as I can
I say, “whatever, man”

You can lead a gift horse to water
But it’s either sink or swim
You said from your high horse
I don’t want to be your friend
Well, that’s the icing on the camel’s back
Staring you in the face
The luck stops here I’ve had enough
Of this rock and hard place

But pain don’t hurt
Tears don’t cry
Leaves don’t fall
Death don’t die
Sad’s not blue
Red’s not green
Something like that
You know what I mean
Loud as I can
I say, “whatever, man”

Take that to the bank and smoke it
Too much sense I does not make
Glue can’t put back together
The kind of song I break
They said, wake up and smell the butter
You’re mumbling again
You were counting your chickens
They crossed the road again

But pain don’t hurt
Tears don’t cry
Leaves don’t fall
Death don’t die
Sad’s not blue
Red’s not green
Something like that
You know what I mean
Loud as I can
I say, “whatever, man”

THE RIVER FLOWS

Oh the river flows down to the river
Just like a river should
Standing here by the banks of the river
I can’t help but say, “river, you’re looking good”

And the river flows down to the river
And the river knows where the river goes
I’ll go with you where the river delivers
All the way to the end of the river

Now we’ve come to the bridge
The one over the river to the other side
You and I, we’re crossing that river
All the way – you and I

Oh the river flows down to the river
Just like a river should
Standing here by the banks of the river
I can’t help but say, “river, you’re looking good”

And the river flows down to the river
The river knows where the river goes
I’ll go with you where the river delivers
All the way to the end of the river
The end of the river
To the river
On the river
The river flows
The river flows
The river flows
The river flows