Thoughts

2025-08-06today im going to be teaching my dogs to savor their food, to eat s-l-o-w-l-y

2025-03-02the venue handed me a settlement sheet, and i noticed a mathmatical error. i said you can't have a negative number for people who came to the show. the venue said, most people can't, but YOU can, cause the people that were here left when you started

2024-06-26i had a medical procedure with sedation and when i left the doctorman said ‘dont operate heavy machinery or play musical instruments’. i said why not. he said because it’s unsafe and it sounds bad

2024-06-22this summer I will developing an innovative concept in outdoor festivals, playing for an untapped market segment that is growing and has been ignored too long. My tour of midwestern prairie dog towns will be called the “Country Mammal to the Bone” tour

2024-06-15i received word that my song “I Don’t Need You Anymore” has been plagiarized more than 10000 times. My attorneys at Noodles & Co. have sent cease and desist orders to every southern rock artist. I will drop cases if the singers will admit that they really do still need the person

2024-06-05are toenail clippings compostable? or do they go in mixed recycling?

2024-06-01i received word that my song “I Can’t Cry in Spanish” was not selected for a Billboard Latin Music Award

2023-12-24its that uplifting time of year where i raise up my expectations of those all around me

2023-12-24actually i thought was helping, saving you all the trouble of unwrapping

2023-11-04i’m getting into producing. starting out with a fresh talented youngster, in a few months i can produce a jaded bitter one

2023-10-31i was riding a E-bike, trying to light my E-cigarette, and now i’m in the E-mergency room

2019-09-11many have asked about my daily 25 step beauty routine. In fact I dont use teeth whitener but I do use skin yellower

2018-09-02i look down at inch long toenails and i feel like I just clipped them yesterday, but time flies

2018-08-30my favorite vegan country artist would have to be the great Johnny Cashew. some said he was cheesy but i thought he was so versatile

2018-01-07i schedule exercise for the same time every day: “later”

2017-12-17with quite a bit of trouble i have hitched up the elves to the sleigh & they are pulling toward san marcos

2017-10-01fancy hotel- sorry- I’m a busy man. it smelled good so I ate it. In the future please clearly label items in room as ‘soap’ or ‘snack’

2017-09-30lost my phone and contacts. Text me my number

2017-05-25i caught the alluring scent of a stranger, but i was alone. then i realized i had changed brands of deodorant. i almost had affair w/ myself

2017-01-09had a technology problem today- the storage on my three hole punch failed, so I’m gonna have to cancel my gigs. white dots everywhere

2016-08-03they call me the Seagull Commander and, yessir, i can call them in. right now: face smeared white with gull dung, suit made of french fries

2016-06-04service at this grocery store- terrible. All I get are blank looks & mumbling. I simply want to buy some toast

2016-03-29went to fortune teller b4 gig. i ask, what's my fortune? she said, wait. i waited a long time & she said you're gonna be late for your gig

2016-03-28cant be tied down & i've done all i can for you now. now go on, do your best work, send it out into the world and the world will reject it

2016-03-28and restraining order it, but u will lern how to do it betterer next time. i'm back at Strange Brew in the fautumn. lets sing tonight though

2016-03-23mythbuster: just because i'm a songwriter doesnt mean i like music

2016-03-22happy to get the last word with my SXSW showcase last night. thanks to selection committee for offering me a discounted wristband for $1500

2016-03-22looking froward to interacting & offering advice to other #bands at SXSW this week

2016-03-21T.G.I.M.

2016-03-19got a free tattoo from a company at a party they sponsored. it's a M written with a cool 'arch' style

2016-03-09one of my hobbies is surgery & i built a small studio behind my house. mostly doing removals & demo work. no interiors- just appendages

2016-03-02i could care less

2016-02-29every event planner that i ever met was crying

2016-02-28my cupholder runneth over

2016-02-27i like my chicken-- and my truck- king ranch style

2016-02-25as a young man, the work of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was a big influence. Every we went, his name was called out.I wanted that for me

2016-02-25every morning my old man would tell me to remember- 'today is a new day and the sun is trying to kill you'

2016-02-18Nobody puts Gary in a corner

2016-02-18There's no 'I' in TEAM, but here, have some 'MEAT'

2016-02-17i took my phone in to be repaired cause it wasnt working but no, just nobody calling me

2016-02-17i thought i smelled a cheeseburger but it was just me

2016-02-16more bucket list items: parasail on a swordfish, dropkick an anvil, jumpcatch a narwhal

2016-02-16There's no "I" in "TEAM" but luckily it's got ME

2016-02-16i wear a travel neck pillow at all times because you just never know when someone will start saying something boring

2016-02-13my parents were so mean. when i was a kid, they'd open up a bag of chips & tell me it's a puzzle

2016-02-12i am concerned about drug trafficking. this traffic is causing senseless delays in the delivery of drugs

2016-02-12i saw a dog get off its leash & run away from a man. he started clapping, but i didnt. no way i'm going to applaud for such a boring show

2016-02-12Sunny D & vodka was my go-to drink for years but all that Vitamin C made me want to go to bed with strangers

2016-02-11to warm the soul, on a cold day, there's nothing like a hot bag of soup

2016-02-11working on a new song: things are changing, the past was better / things are changing, the past was better

2016-02-10ceblerate good times, come on. it's a cebleration

2016-02-06everywhere i go i see clues that i'm being sabotaged & thwarted & obstacled

2016-02-05i called my doctor cause I had a lump in my throat & he said i should just quit watching that Hallmark movie special

2016-02-05please do not call my dually 'a truck with training wheels'

2016-01-31in cold weather at high altitude- be careful- dont drink too much water. you might hyper-hydrate, piss yourself & then: frostbite

2016-01-26Birthday balloons sposed to go up. In my day we didnt have helium tanks- we'd risk our lives spelunking a helium mine for 1 filled balloon

2016-01-22been working double time on the seduction line

2016-01-06Wardrobe tip. trust me on this when you are wondering how many shades of brown to wear at one time. Go with more than 5 for good luck

2015-12-23hi im sorry i couldnt make it to Santos Marcos. i was in line at Tammy Hilfinger store at outlet mall & didnt want to loose my place

2015-12-14legal update: due to government censors my 1989 album 'Sexy Enough' will be re-released in China as 'Nauseous Revelation'

2015-11-09i moved from a ground floor apartment to one on the 3rd floor & all my friends said 'we just know that Gary is picking & singing up above'

2015-11-05an ankle monitoring device is a tangible, visible acknowledgement that you have made a difference in the world

2015-10-28after the gig, a fan said 'wow you were awesome'. I said thanks. He said, 'no you didn't hear me- I said, you were off some'

2015-10-22yes in fact, i AM too busy to flush the toilet

2015-10-20yes, a dog is my tour manager. he's a good judge of character but because he has no pockets he is terrible with money. he doesnt enjoy music

2015-10-19it may surprise my fans but i actually don't like music and i've simply just done it for the money

2015-10-19Me and the band got a nice headliner timeslot at the Texas Cough & Sneeze Festival. 'Y'all ready for some Floater? Well, make some noise'

2015-10-17i asked the sax player to turn down the volume. he said, i'm not amplified. so i said 'ok well try taking your mouth off the horn'

2015-10-15i carved my name into a table at Subway dining area at a Love's truckstop so that someday that little table will be in a museum

2015-10-14its simple. at this point i write songs to please MYSELF and facebook's algorithm

2015-10-13i'm proud of having pride i stood up to take a stand

2015-10-13still recovering from performing at the Awesome Crowded Lines Festival. i was on the Dollar General stage in parking lot C. #ACL

2015-10-08all cologned up for a early morning flight

2015-09-24Grandpa tell me bout the good old days. Back when polio was not eradicated & kids were in iron lungs, not playing Xbox like these kids today

2015-08-16my label told me that my old albums are breaking records. my manager said that’s just what they do with unsold copies- break & discard them

2015-07-31If you hire me as house-sitter it's up to ME to decide when the job is done

2015-07-31You call this country ham? To me it tastes more like pop-rock ham

2015-07-31🎤 Silverado, why dont you come to your senses

2015-07-31whos to say? Maybe the dinner I fixed isnt 'too salty' - maybe YOU are not salty enough

2015-07-27my 1975 country disco album was supposed to be titled ‘Boogie Train’ but record label misspelled & it was released as ‘Booger Train'

2015-07-25my jetski has a gun rack

2015-07-25to relax: i either iron my jeans or shoot my gun off a boat

2015-07-25my sunburn has a sunburn today

2015-07-25i like my coffee ground a full year ahead of time #beprepared

2015-07-16Yessir! please consider the environment before printing this message

2015-07-15i never would let my kids use a socialist institution so when it comes to water fountains & liberrys, the Floaters say 'no thanks'

2015-06-15when my family gets together we play bored games

2015-06-13i suffer from DAFO- deficit of attention from others. All eyes here please

2015-06-03whenever i need a ride somewhere i use an app that tells my buddy where to pick me up-- app is named Goober

2015-06-01Attn: this message is for my son Burden Floater. If u are on here, pls call me. i didnt mean to say you were useless as a broken taco shell

2015-05-29🎤 like an indoor cowboy

2015-05-21no - he plays electric bass- you must have heard me wrong- i said i would performing with an UPTIGHT bass player

2015-05-20i started out in show business as a magician and my most reliable trick was making audiences disappear

2015-05-20well my dog must have smelled urine in your carpet (already down in there) or else he wouldnt have had to do that. he had no choice

2015-04-30my dually truck is just wider so, at times, its naturally gonna be in your lane too

2015-04-27sometimes i think about changing my ways & becoming a better person but then i just move the furniture around into a new layout

2015-04-16for miles, i been flipping off this jerk who was riding my tailgate but then i remembered the trailer i was pulling

2015-03-14sorry my mustache must ask

2015-03-09working on a new song: 'Too Many Goats'

2015-03-09after much public pressure i can reveal the secret ingredient in my songs (and chili) is in fact MSG

2015-03-09my songs are delicious but bad for you

2015-03-07seeking: a quality leather case to protect my other leather cases

2015-03-07my lawyer said to wear a suit so here i am, ironing my track suit

2015-03-07damn, another unexpected expense. my mechanic said the rubber is wearing thin and i've got to replace my Crocs

2015-03-05i have written rap/pop song wld b great for dance clubs but my manager informed me that 100% of lyrics would have to be bleeped for radio

2015-03-05fall down 7 times, get up 8 times and blame your road manager that you fell in the first place

2015-02-28skinny dipping on a porch swing, coupon clipping on a backroad

2015-02-28whiskey sippin by a house fire, road trippin on a jet ski

2015-02-28cliche dropping on a cowrite, shotgun slamming cold bud light

2015-02-19shopping at a sad mall

2015-02-19my mustache just smiled at somebody

2015-02-19i accidentally wrote 'soup' when I meant 'soap' so now i smell like minestrone

2015-02-14working on release plan for my new album titled 'Sounds of Guitar Center'

2015-02-14working on a song: 'i'm not old, i'm just a overpriced antique'

2015-02-13ive been asking my magic 8 ball for answers but i cant find my reading glasses #toostressedtobeblessed

2015-02-06i abbr evythng & its gr8. savn time yall

2015-02-05In the middle of a busy & productive day of recharging things- cameraphone, pager, etc. I hope I can get it all done

2015-01-28sorry I cant use a leash for my dog- right now i'm using my hands to hold drinks and smokes

2014-11-13the holidays are looming and your gonna need all the help you can get to make it through

2014-11-09my favorite breed of dog is the Austrian Murderhound. there actually a very sweet breed of dog and they just get a bad rap

2014-11-08Gary really cleaned up at the CMA Awards. He was part of the janitorial crew that worked the arena after the festivities.

2014-11-06...and then the eagle will ask 'is there a Shoney's buffet near here'

2014-11-05sorry to interrupt but I must ask you to speak only english when you are around me or i'll think you're talking bad about me

2014-11-03TNN & CMT rejected my new music video. their trying to sabotage my triumphant return gig in nashville on thursday at The Basement

2014-11-03but my manager told me my video was picked up by one TV station called YouTube, so my video for Nature Song premieres tomorrow

2014-10-22i always told my kids: some monkeys like you to pet them, and others don't, but you never know til you try

2014-10-16my new single 'Tryin' Too Hard' will be released on iTube

2014-10-08why didnt play the festival? i was booked that day. yes, earlier that same day, i was fingerprinted & photographed at the county jail

2014-10-07i used to play gigs at some bad smelling dives but now I have an air freshener tree hanging from the end of my guitar

2014-09-29dont rub your ear and smell your earwax, people. no good can come of it. its wasted effort

2014-09-29well yeah, but you said to make myself at home

2014-09-27The music critic said my song is like a painting - by numbers- and he said he really enjoyed the endings of my songs, when they are over

2014-09-24been in the woodshed for a few hours.can someone tell me whats suppose to happen?its dark in here & i have guitar but do i do something else

2014-09-18free medical advice all day here at #AmericanaMedicalAssociation. I casually show a sore to folks in elevator & get quite a bit of feedback

2014-09-18looks like the consensus diagnosis according to a few doctors here at #AMAfest is 'narcissism' which is a kind of allergy to other people

2014-09-18i'm surprised at how many of these doctors are also singers at #americanafest

2014-09-18Last night I traded one of my harmonicas for a stethoscope which is a kind of necklace that doctors wear

2014-09-11today we are shooting a music video for my new single 'Hamburger Smoke'

2014-09-11need to borrow a car from somebody for video shoot today. sad to report i flipped the jeep that was supposed to represent fun to viewers

2014-08-27on Friday I will be playing a gig at Crosby Knife & Wife. then on Saturday i'll be headlining the Chimichanga Festival on Karaoke Mountain

2014-08-25for younger songwirters, i work hard to be a good mentor and tormentor

2014-08-15the audio engineers at my old record label remastered my early albums for a very unpopular box set called ‘Gary Floater: Nothing But Treble’

2014-08-03if a town has a red light district i always stop there

2014-07-30ordered 'beef kabob' from fancy restaurant (applebys) & the damn thing had a wooden spike in it. i was so hungry I didnt notice til too late

2014-07-27Thunderbird was my daddy's beverage of choice because it was cheap and alcoholic- just like daddy

2014-07-25if someone puts the ice cream back in the refrigerator instead of freezer, I dont think u can call them a 'total idiot.' Maybe 'half idiot'

2014-07-23i dont have access to a primary care physician but i do have a great taxidermist

2014-07-12my 1992 album 'Songs of Sarcasm' didnt sell many copies. Big surprise there.

2014-07-04i was in a casino, waiting to meet a friend. a bird was flying around & around in lobby. and i was like, i didnt know they let birds in here

2014-07-02i'm in the waiting room, dreading this procedure. outpatient rhinestonectomy

2014-06-28I cant stand to see country artists bareheaded in public without there hats. have a little pride & professionalism

2014-06-25softly whispering pretty love words to Siri

2014-06-23i think that if i say something when i'm wearing a cowboy hat yall should take me seriously. they wont sell these to just anybody

2014-06-23oh no i dont want no damn karaoke. i wont eat raw fish

2014-06-23i have a few dietary limitations so i'm looking for a good source for organic boneless bananas

2014-06-19i used to live in a gated community, but i moved when i got parole

2014-06-15It's Father's Day, so you kids should listen when I say 'stay away'

2014-06-11i have a headache so i took one of those BC powders. it hasnt gone away so i'm wondering if i should snort one more

2014-06-09got a banjo and suddenly wrote a new song called 'Hey!'

2014-06-03Honesty is very importent so if my gig starts at 1am, i tell people to "brang it yall & come out and party with me tomorrow morning"

2014-06-02i tried to rebrand in 1980s as "traditional" music but i didnt get any traction with my albums 'Homespun Bullshit' and 'Sentimental Asshole'

2014-05-16my manager gave me plastic cone collar he say would help me 'project my voice better' but im noticing its made it difficult to lick my balls

2014-05-14angry & disgusted. i just realized that all these years everybody but me has been pissing in this lake

2014-05-11Luby's parking lot is jammed. what's going on?

2014-05-09i ordered unsweet tea. The waitress said, 'we don't sweeten our tea' i said ok then, I'll take some fucking tea

2014-04-23when i asked: 'should i hide it under a bushel?' they said yes

2014-04-23my parents never got us store-bought acid washed jeans. no sir- we had to wash them in acid ourselves

2014-04-23i played gigs in Colorado during the winter and i was trying to pick up those snow bunnies but they kept biting my hand

2014-04-20my live shows are actually just one hour though you'll swear it was more like 2 or 3

2014-04-20if you ever find yourself stuck sitting through gary's live gospel show - called 'A Wretch Like Me' - you will believe in eternity

2014-04-19me and the band got some t-shirts printed with our name across the front: Gary Floater & T.B.A.

2014-04-17i dont treat my band like i own them, but at the end of the night when its time to get in the van, I yell "kennel up!"

2014-04-16"The stripped down songs on #WhoCares are from the dusty attic of Floater's mind, and there's no room for a band up there" ~Rolling Stone

2014-04-08next week i am having a routine lobotomy procedure but its really been weighing on my mind

2014-04-08some people say i wear sweat pants all the time because i'm 'lazy' but really its just that i have no fashion sense

2014-04-07she said i need to know your faithful when your on tour. i promised her- theres no way im going to be faithful on the road. & i kept my word

2014-04-03some people say i have so much state pride that its obnoxiuos, but i'm so proud of Missuori that i cant help but sing about it!

2014-04-03if u have any doubt, just listen to my songs "MO Highway," "Kilometers & Kilometers of Missouri," and "I'm Balls Deep in Love with Missouri"

2014-03-31i was hired to play hammered dulcimer on a session but i was fired for being drunk. i said 'yes i am hammered, and that is a dulcimer'

2014-03-27my hometown of Miami, Missouri may sound glamerous but its not

2014-03-27every time i walk out with one, the Dennys manager tries to stop me. and every time i explain: i ordered a skillet and im keeping it

2014-03-24heating the chili to make my famous cheeto pie

2014-03-21i do use a music stand but only to hold peaces of paper with reminders like: 'smile! you're good at music'

2014-03-21to play some of my compositions on guitar i need two capos and a third arm

2014-03-18all my songs are handcrafted & i hardly ever wash my hands

2014-03-17Austrians are very rude. I met one & told her i am a big koala bear fan and she act like i just cussed out Olivia Newton John or something

2014-03-17just got message saying 'im banned from southern hemisphere' & not to even try cause they are setting up a border checkpoint at equator

2014-03-17i lost my keys at a bar this week. i dont know which bar or which town i lost them in so if your in a bar in a town pls look around for them

2014-03-14their must be a problem with my phone because no one called me or texteded me today to see how I am so i'll just tweet that i'm fine thanks

2014-03-13I use scotch guard. i drink so much scotch so that other people cant get through

2014-03-10working in my lab on new invention- a capo for the piano

2014-03-10its called a 'parking' lot but thats just one of its uses. #drinking #rollerblading

2014-03-08I love this song. "🎶 just call me asshole of the morning"

2014-03-04my handlers are always making mistakes & last nite they put down the wrong dam date for my CD release at Cheatham Street.

2014-03-04it is so frustrating that these interns i use from the local kindergarden are so INCONPENTENT

2014-02-21yes, i has wirtten a song in the genre 'folk funk.' it is catchy as a cold. #folkalliance

2014-02-03i've heard that they're gonna have to have at least one more super bowl next January. i was hoping this one would finally settle it

2014-02-02i performed a series of shows called 'Gary Floater on Ice'. no skating was involved, just me high on crystal meth

2014-02-01i began my career with breakup songs & i will never stop with the breakup songs. you have my word

2014-01-29today- once again- the world failed to PASS THE BALL TO ME when i was WIDE OPEN

2014-01-28i dont care. i love it

2014-01-28DQ manager giving me stink eye though i paid my 54 cents- yessir me & this coffee are going to be right here in this booth til closing time

2014-01-25I Relaxed so Well today. spent Quality Time with a Friend

2014-01-23i been in rock bands too, so i CAN lay down some pretty sweet jams on electrical guitar. my 1st rock gig was as Gary Floater & The Uninvited

2014-01-22my yogurt pants are see through

2014-01-20some of you have asked why i wear 'mom jeans'. it is simply because i like pleats. they are a comfortable and stylish indulgence

2014-01-20air travel day- so for a mid flight snack i have packed a few of my famous onion and egg salad sandwiches

2014-01-20i remove my shirt in the grocery store so i can think and go over my options

2014-01-20my brushpopper shirt makes me more visible to potential mates while i am line dancing in the brush

2014-01-19but no you just had to try it your way

2014-01-19now look what you've done

2014-01-19#cool new way 2 interact w/ Gary at his shows! if u notice audience member rolling eyes or complaining, let us know w/ hashtag #garyhater

2014-01-19i dont have my watch on. what time is it?

2014-01-18i've seen so many promising songwriters fail to stay moisturized and they dry out too young

2014-01-18i always try to stay a little intoxicated so i'm ready for the next cool thing that's gonna happen

2014-01-18its time for a healthy nutritious snack, so i'm cracking open a bag of mustachios

2014-01-18i told you so.

2014-01-17sorry but no i dont accept paper money as payment. my contract states clearly that i be paid in rolled unmarked coins

2014-01-17i ate the package of chemicals from bottom of the beef jerky bag but cant feel it kicking in yet. Wondering if i should i eat another one

2014-01-17its a shame that my show last night was torpedoed by the venue's shameful deli tray. i wont sabotage my health just to entertain

2014-01-1720 years & 9 months ago, 4 minutes in a Tampa FL dressing room resulted in my son Burden Floater, who i have grown to love. Happy birthday!

2014-01-17Help US help YOU produce a quality show at you venue. Read contract rider! Yes, we need embalming fluid & 3 medium animal cages backstage

2014-01-16i went to starbucks & ordered a triple Diet Mountain Dew and they told me to get out or their calling the cops

2014-01-16does it just complicate things to use this Rogaine shaving cream? Maybe so, but im worth it

2014-01-16i save 3 minutes a day because I have velcro strap shoes. Someday im just gonna blow all that savings on something stupid

2014-01-13Gary is so pissed off at allergies, this morning he tried to kick a cedar tree's ass

2014-01-04what i call: 'giving whooping crane a ride' the cops call it: 'molesting a endangered migratory bird'

2014-01-04i am defrosting my longtime record producer Flip Dickerson as we speak. as soon as his cryogenic coffin reaches 98 degrees its studio time

2014-01-04today i'm so greatful. i feel grate.

2014-01-04tell me how your doing

2014-01-04to tell you the truth i could care less about it

2014-01-04confirmed that my estranged exwife Lacey Lakeview has agreed to sing a duet with BW Akins on my new tribute album

2014-01-03i was wearing sunglasses so i had to tell a girl i just winked at her

2014-01-02my garbage runneth over

2014-01-01in #2014 i am exited to share my new songs at you & my #digitalmarketing & #promotions & #hashtags on you

2013-12-29Gary's son Burden Floater will not be permitted to sing on the #WhoCares tribute album so he should quit asking

2013-12-295 Golden Keys

2013-12-26On the second day of Christmas Gary sent to me: 2 Turtlenecks and a Cartridge for Atari

2013-12-25on the first day of christmas, Gary sent to me- a cartridge for Atari

2013-12-24my trash overfloweth

2013-12-23not funny. jokester put baby gates up all around my house. this getting serious. i cant get around & im gettting hungry.how do you get over

2013-12-23a fire burning in my hearth, tho I'm thending you Gary Chrithmath witheth to you and yourth

2013-12-23i got a bad feeling this turtleneck is trying to kill me

2013-12-23i must not be awake yet. morning mixup! accidentally put strawberry jam in my pipe and marijuana on my toast

2013-12-23i have question about my pack: when a dog humps your leg does that mean he respects you

2013-12-23i dont know where you put yours but no these are MY rawhide chews

2013-12-22one of our familys most cherished holiday traditions is going around shopping centers & performing unannounced 'trust falls'

2013-12-13Gary's father denies the result of conclusive paternity tests because he says he 'was never good at taking tests'

2013-12-09i worked as snakehandler & at one gig my burlap bag of rattlers was empty at beginning of show. roadies! double check the ties on snake bag

2013-12-07i hope he is found in time for the Holiday High shows at Saxon Pub on Saturday the 14th and Cheatham Street Warehouse on Sunday the 15th

2013-11-10its true- i like to party & i sometimes overdo it. a few friends pulled me aside & said that they're afraid i'm using too much hair gel

2013-11-05im looking to hire a intern to help convert my easy chair into a motorcycle

2013-11-05this internship is a unpaid position & you must have previous experience turning household items into awesome vehicles

2013-11-05many of u clearly disapointed that 'The Scooter Store' was awarded the easychair-to-motorcycle internship position #whocares

2013-11-05so exited to report that #whocares is trending. the worldwide support for my 3rd album 'Who Cares' feels so good #whocares. lets keep it up

2013-11-02i am a champion and your going to here me roar

2013-11-01working on a book. what title do u like best: Bracing for Failure Ready to Fail Failure is My Friend Freefailing

2013-10-31animals are always willing to give u a second chance if u admit u made a mistake. except koalas. koalas are cute but inside their mean.

2013-10-30been a long day of 'tightening' all the screws & bolts i could find. Tomorrow is 'loosen' day so i better rest up- gotta lotta work to do

2013-10-28if you steal my music or make unauthorized cassettes you will hear from my legal representation at Noodles & Company

2013-10-23yes i have used performance enhancing drugs but the audience said the show still sucked

2013-10-22last night i got so drunk i crashed while riding a stationary bike

2013-10-21been up since EARLY this morning hiding acorns from squirrels

2013-10-21you sure do say amigo a lot, amigo

2013-10-08i will show them what i can do. the taste of corn and sugar brings out the tiger in me

2013-09-30must be nice. ok suit yourself, no thats fine by me.

2013-09-30many of you asked about my tshirt today. i dont understand how a skull can have wings either- but it looks badass & was a gift from my mom

2013-09-30some asshole called my utility belt a fanny pack

2013-09-25up and at em. you gotta eat rite to keep healthy & i will be facing this new day after one more steak smoothie

2013-09-21if i forget what i ate yesterday, i just check with my beard

2013-09-21i have food poisoning because i ate a raw pop tart

2013-09-21it is almost hunting season and i cant find my camouflage speedo

2013-09-20i spent a few years in LA trying to get a break but all those cajuns care about is alligators & gumbo

2013-09-18it was too tight so i had to loosen my bible belt

2013-09-15my first step on the path to 'outlaw' was eating unwashed produce

2013-09-13i think of my body as a newspaper and i read it closely everyday

2013-09-11i am too busy a songwriter to write songs

2013-09-10The greatest hits collection 'Gary Floater: Ultra Soft & Strong' will give you that confident clean feeling again

2013-09-08some people wash there hands all the time but i am just careful to not touch dirty things

2013-09-08i visited 'Panda Express' to try something new but it turns out panda meat tastes just like chicken

2013-09-05Gary's own line of cologne is coming this fall. A blend of formaldehyde, polyurethane & musty animal fur will be sold as Taxidermy: for Men

2013-09-05excited to report that Gary has received official designation as a service animal & he can now dine freely in the main areas of restaurants

2013-09-05every morning at starbucks my order is the same: 'venti cream & sugar. hold the coffee'

2013-09-01go ahead, call the cops. yes it was me. i leave the toilet seat up

2013-09-01when I roll windows down & play music loud that is a gift for you

2013-08-31need advice- i want to look like 'i know these towns' to others so what hat should i order from these citys: #Austen #Nashville #LosAngelos

2013-08-31when the Arbys man asks me what kind of fries i want i say 'straight, just as straight as can be'

2013-08-30i sing through amplifiers about my feelings in buildings where they have beer

2013-08-30at drummer audition i said ok lets try that song again.but this time play it like your playing it on a toilet & a trashcan to save your life

2013-08-28attention boring people- unless you are dancing while you speak, i just wont hear you

2013-08-28if you do anything suspicious like be a stranger, smile, or breathe my dog will bite you

2013-08-28my dog is my manager now. and he wont return any sticks or any phone calls

2013-08-26i threw out my back twerking my tweeps

2013-08-26theres a new bar in Miami, Missouri in a metal building that we are gigging now so i guess we will be branging it to Boogerz soon

2013-08-25scary trip to the E.R. again last night. got my head stuck in another yogurt container

2013-08-25people- please take the time to use scissors & clip the plastic six-pack rings because otherwise my band members get caught in them

2013-08-24a artist needs special materials for his creations so i cant write down anymore songs til i get more waterburger wrappers

2013-08-22i lost the manual for my futon and so im wondering how to get out of it. so i guess i just roll onto the floor

2013-08-22cant get the campfire going because i have no diesel fuel. that means its gonna be catfish sushi for breakfast again. im like a damn raccoon

2013-08-22today i will be getting back to nature on my jetski

2013-08-22postman say he wont deliver my mail without postage stamps but im a grown man & i dont play with stickers so no deal

2013-08-22if my dog bites your toes sorry thats your responsibility for wearing sandals in public

2013-08-22does anyone have advice on gaining the trust of whooping cranes. specificly how to make them want to get in your truck

2013-08-22club I been working awhile said they had to cut my pay. i told em i was working free & they said 'yes we're gonna charge you to play here'

2013-08-21my lawsuit is at the dry cleaners and i will wear it next time i have to go to court

2013-08-20i not so much of a song writer as i am a song dictator

2013-08-15work got you stressed? try criticizing a loved one #GaryTip

2013-08-06my favorite vegetable is salt

2013-08-06it is my dream to someday open a whinery

2013-08-05i am thinking of wearing my hair either a) longer or b) shorter. though i will also consider any other ideas

2013-08-03im playing house concert tonight at IKEA Round Rock in the 2nd floor DAGSTORP kitchen display from 8:45 to 9:00. come enjoy a FLÄRDFULL & me

2013-08-03please bring a covered dish or meatballs made of horse

2013-08-03people point and stare if i choose to shop for groceries in my pajamas but when doctors wear them all day at work thats just fine

2013-08-03on my way to the lake. gonna be a great day. 🚤👙🐖

2013-07-31i opened up the mail, i thought it was a bill, but it was anthrax again

2013-07-29i am a recording artist who has charted in 7 different countries. damn autocorrect... i meant sharted

2013-07-29called pharmacy saying my prescription tastes weird. they told me it was a 'suppository,' so i guess that means its just got a weird flavor

2013-07-28much like the noble hyena, i mark music venues that are 'my territory' using my own body scent

2013-07-26many of you are not yet following me on twitter. i have some sweet jams i want to tweet at you & cant because your not following me

2013-07-25hi please follow me on twitter now ok

2013-07-24he told me: 'as your doctor, i recommend you either lose some weight or get a bigger guitar'

2013-07-12ironing my jeans tonight. so relaxing

2013-07-12i smell my Folgers in the morning light

2013-07-11i call it a motorcycle but they say 'no its a moped.'OK well I was just injured falling off so can we agree that 'my motorbike is dangerous'

2013-06-29got to do a probation community service project today. its a trash cleanup project at the city dump

2013-06-28ha ha, neighbor kids, your not the only ones. yes, i got a pair of these light-up LED shoes today, so dont call me a dumb old man anymore

2013-06-27the club owner had a problem with how i was dressed for the show but if doctors can wear pajamas to work, i can too

2013-06-27gotta drink 45 odouls in a hour to catch a buzz now. as a young man i remember drinking hundreds of these a night. getting older i guess

2013-06-23many of you have asked- i manage the coin operated kiddie rides outside grocery stores so yes i am still in the entertainment business

2013-06-19i am upgrading my calendar management so from now on i will be writing tour dates on my arm with a sharpie

2013-06-18i dont expect a award for getting out of the pool to use the restroom but a simple thank you would be nice

2013-06-14the title of Gary’s third album ‘Dont Encourage Him’ was taken very seriously by his fans

2013-06-14ok now i get it, they really do make you look cooler. so i've hired team of graphic designers to put sunglasses on all my old photos

2013-06-13i describe my performances as ‘edutainment’ & really just try to have 'songversations’ with my fans

2013-06-08attn hatefilled dreamcrushers. my songs are tiny baby chicks & if you dont like them they will die. so do the right thing, ok?

2013-06-08inside this man-shell is a little boy dreamer. so if you hate kids and dreams go ahead & tell him no

2013-06-06wow this waitress is really ‘with it’ and ‘hip to my street lingo.’ i placed my order and said ‘bring it!’ and she said ‘ok i will, jerk’

2013-06-06she asked if i want ‘city ham or country ham?’ i said urban music & country music are the same, why not put both hams in the same genre too?

2013-06-06she said ‘we’re not allowed to debate genre with customers at waffle house. city ham or country ham?’ so i said ‘i’ll take both’

2013-06-06I ordered my hashbrowns smothered covered scattered belittled humiliated & embarrassed in front of friends

2013-06-06this waitress really made an impression on me. so when i filled out credit card slip, under TIP, i wrote ‘follow your heart’

2013-06-06heads up friends- i've got a taxidermy project/stuffed wildlife diorama i'm working on, and i'm seeking a komodo dragon-sized cowboy hat

2013-06-05my toenail clippings are piling up cause i cant find a recycling bin

2013-06-05many of you have asked what product i use to style my hair- my secret is i simply dont wash my hair

2013-06-05my record label called & offered to destroy all unsold copies of my albums at cost of 50 cents a CD. i drive hard bargain so $1 a copy it is

2013-06-05over the course of the year i make one limited edition T shirt out of the lint and scraps i find in my navel

2013-06-05i was heavy metal artist for awhile but i wanted to make traditional heavy metal, not modern heavy metal, so i was dropped by the label

2013-06-05i wanted songs about girls & the devil with dual lead guitars but they wanted trauma songs with screamed & growled vocals. i’m old fashioned

2013-06-05Tanya Tucker winked at me

2013-06-05he used to be my manager & either his number has changed or hes not returning my calls. anybody have a recent mobile number for the devil?

2013-05-31grate news- garys first 4 albums are going to be resissued: ‘Me Myself and I’ ‘More Me’ ‘Me in the Mirror’ and ‘Rhyming Egotist’

2013-05-13the deodorant i use also has anti-persistence

2013-05-12i own my company so i'm a entrepen... uh intrepeune... antrepen... i'm a businessman

2013-05-12its important to stay positive so at the breakfast place, when they ask do i want "can't"-a-lope, i always say no but i'll have can-a-do

2013-05-12moments after i was born my mother told doctors, im not the mother. maternity testing confirmed but that's all past, so have a good day!

2013-05-12im always tense & keyed up and so asked my doctor for advice. he went to school for 28 years only to tell me to go to a yogurt class

2013-05-12mom helped me develop. she'd drive to a place I'd never been before & leave me there to find my way. i owe my good navigation skills to mom

2013-05-11for a profesional like myself the cost of reprinting business cards really adds up, but my office address changes every time i park my van

2013-05-11i wonder if i can find a good place to get pasghetti somewhere near this liberry

2013-05-11i was escorted from the little league bleachers for simply stating my view to the parents that 'oh come on, both teams suck'

2013-05-11ok party people lemme hear from ya- where can I find a cool rehab facility?

2013-05-09i was a boy scout as a youngster- i try to always 'be prepared.' in my emergency romance kit i keep candles, cologne, prosthetic leg

2013-05-05i am proud english speaker so to all foreign/immigrant words i am saying adios

2013-05-05my oldest boys, Saint Louis and Springfield, are singers themselves with tapes of there own on the market

2013-05-04i am a busy man so if your name is longer than 4 letters i will shorten it to that for you

2013-05-03it is a battle to the death, only one of us will survive. but I will eat this bear claw

2013-05-03i like my coffee like i like my women. i dont like coffee

2013-05-03every time I turn on the radio these animal rights nuts are talking about a dead possum

2013-05-03oops now i realize not a possum dead, The Possum died. I will miss george. he always called me The Weasel

2013-05-03do i have to spell it out. ok, to my son, Burden Floater: do not use the hashtag #askgary to ask me what you middle name is. i dont know

2013-04-30my thumbs are really sore, so im relieved that doctors have approved me for a experimental intracranial twitter implant procedure

2013-04-30i am gong to start eating healthy but i need to know, do corn chips count as vegetable

2013-04-30#Didyouknow Gary's lowest selling release was a concept album of songs about his vacation home titled 'Timeshare in Cuernavaca.'

2013-04-30i wear sunglasses to bed so i look cool when i sleep

2013-04-30Garys 1st childrens album was compilation of duets with Snuffalufagus titled 'Hairy Like Me.' Also included the song 'Children Please Leave'

2013-04-28i keep yelling "hey I'm the patriarch why doesnt anyone ask ME what we should do for lunch" but my family ignores me

2013-04-28it was a good week so i put a little extra in the tip jar at church

2013-04-28ok i'm gonna try this out. if i post picture of my food, what happens

2013-03-11if you dont disrespect yourself, how can you disrespect others

2013-03-10i'm adicted to everything

2013-03-10a perfect day: chicken wings, valium shooters & ultimate frisbee fighting

2013-02-17checking in to the hotel, they asked me if i wanted a room with rules or with no rules

2013-02-11i would like to thank my recording engineer Fisher Price

2013-02-11i'm proud of having pride, i stood up to take a stand / they said just sit down, you couldn't find your ass with both hands

2013-02-09i call the food from the back of my refrigerator 'classic food'

2013-02-08old things are always better so does anybody want to buy my old cell phone

2013-02-07aint nothing gonna breaka my stride

2013-02-06For the coffee shop cowboy, cups of milk and cream are free

2013-02-06noone is sitting there, but i usually keep my backpack on that chair, so yeah, its taken

2013-02-05thats the icing on the camels back staring you in the face

2013-02-05they call me the coffee shop cowboy, i am a wifi outlaw

2013-01-26i know how country feels and some call it groping

2013-01-26wrote a new song today, a duet called 'step into my comfort zone'

2013-01-19so high last night. this morning i woke up on the roof

2013-01-18also launching 'Gary Floater Loser Lunch.' processed cheese + crackers packed in plastic & takes whole lunch break to open package

2013-01-16i have been using this lint roller to remove pet hair, but now my dog is getting pretty angry

2013-01-16proud to annonce i will be launching my own line of smoked meat snacks. so please watch your convenience stores for Gary Floater Beefy Jerk

2013-01-15its true. when i wrote my biggest pop country hits, i used doping enhancers

2013-01-15one time i performed a show and i was not using drugs

2013-01-14my own son, Burden Floater, will be opening shows for me this month though he will have to arrange his own ride to the gigs

2013-01-14when i peel out in my truck what i am really saying is 'please hold me'

2013-01-12my business manager has escaped. if you see monkey w/ cowboy hat & bolo tie at Greyhound stations in Missouri please let me know

2013-01-10i've got my plumsmugglers on

2013-01-02embarrased that the end of the world did not come as predicted in the Floater Calendar. now my checks are bouncing

2012-12-24Hark ye, for lo! tomorrow I shall be hungo'er

2012-12-23the holidays are a very special time to endure with family

2012-12-21looking for a good & reliable sweater repair shop

2012-11-28just snorted a powerball

2012-11-24damn Nature, you stayed out all night long #baller

2012-11-18condiments are 1st step on slippery slope of temptation so no mayo please

2012-11-01yeah but I said LIGHTLY toasted, bitch

2012-10-25hot damn! the Giant Panda Buffet is a food amusement park

2012-10-23my dear you hold the key to my handcuffs

2012-10-16airbrushing a fantasy nature scene on my van of my van parked next to a wolf

2012-10-16the deer under my game feeder are eating candy corn

2012-10-16thanks for playing the session guys but we won't have room on the art or liner notes for anyone else's name

2012-10-12i am looking to buy a clean, gently used, submission grappling dummy. must be supplied with realistic mustache

2012-10-11nature goes buck wild at morningtime

2012-10-11i have a genetic mutation that makes me what doctors call a 'super-rhymer'

2012-10-11guitar, check. harmonica, check. raccoon urine cover scent, check

2012-10-09ok my guitar smells weird

2012-10-06this year, i got corn feeder on a timer, motion activated cameras, & a robot hunter to harvest my deer #buckfever

2012-10-03i'm really more of an 'ideas man' so you guys should go ahead & carry all my gear too

2012-10-03i said, carry my gear, not my bag. Nobody- nobody - touches my bag

2012-10-03well yes technically there are enough hotel rooms for us all, but I like to keep one in reserve so you guys plan on sleeping in the van

2012-10-03it's a double album: disc 1 is 'Depressed Outlaw' and disc 2 is 'Manic Outlaw'

2012-10-02rereading one of the classics of personal grooming- yes its my dogeared copy of Mustache Management

2012-10-02rubber cement high with a crinkle-cut smile. yes its a scrapbookin' kinda day

2012-10-01give me one more chance to break your heart

2012-09-30at this point in the show I'd like to invite my imaginary friend Carlos to join me onstage

2012-09-29i know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams

2012-09-27some people were just not meant to replace the empty toilet paper roll, ok sorry #toobusy

2012-09-27i'll have you know this ferret is a service animal so yes he is coming into this restaurant

2012-09-27the mug holder on my desktop computer must be broken. i keep pushing the eject button but the little cupholder tray wont slide out anymore

2012-09-27riding a airplane today so I splashed on a little more cologne than usual

2012-09-27thanks for asking, yes, i am wearing Drakkar

2012-09-26hot damn i shocked myself putting paperclip in electric outlet. ill be damn i thought it was a conspiracy like fluoride but nossir its real

2012-09-26caution: my music you're about to enjoy is extremely hot

2012-09-26ok now here comes the solo, there's your chance now, don't blow it, ok, well ok, ok you blew it

2012-09-22im sorry i cant buy this 'biology' business, that my body is made up of cells etc. I am not more than one thing, it is all just 'Gary'

2012-09-16im sorry i have no choice. there's too much weight in the van & i'm going to have to throw out a few band members

2012-09-15got the new t shirts in- design on the front is my name + a winged dulcimer

2012-09-13i have made an indelible mark on this bathroom wall

2012-09-13got a graphite waterproof guitar, so now i can sit in the river and jam

2012-09-13doctorman says I hyperextended my elbow and im going to have to cut back on taking pictures of myself

2012-09-12my drummer is like a generator- with only 2 settings, on or off

2012-09-12starting the day with a strawberry/bacon smoothie

2012-09-12i said drop all this 'new' talk. 'Mexico is Mexico, the law cant catch me here.' They say 'no, we're part of the US, New Mexico is a state.'

2012-09-12i said 'which Mexico is the one where you can go do whatever you want.' they pointed to 'Old' Mexico, & so i hauled ass for the real border

2012-09-12at the border i was told i needed a passport & i knew that was a dead end because i had sold mine many years ago to a fan

2012-09-10i smell my folgers in the morning light. folgers is good enough for me

2012-09-10Ok heres my recipe for 'morning moosehumper': 1 part coffee, 1 part Canadian Club whisky, 1 part maple syrup

2012-09-10so canadians can marry moose now. get over it. some use 'moosehumper' as insult, but thats what 2 animals that love each other do- they hump

2012-09-10to marry Canadian, at border btw single &married: preacher asks if u have anything to declare. U r turned away if u have fruit in your pants

2012-09-10canadians cant even own a handgun to shoot at government agents that are coming to their house to give them free healthcare

2012-09-10i smuggled myself into Mexico once, hiding in a piñata. i fell asleep & when i woke up, i saw that i had ruined the little girl's fiesta

2012-09-10i drive without signaling because i dont know where i'm going

2012-09-08i've had no-shows all over the world

2012-09-07no im American not French, i spell it 'RESTRAUNT'

2012-09-06its time we get serious about protecting endangered animals. at this point the unicorn is nearly wiped out

2012-09-06the hotel clerk said 'no pets' & I said 'look its a lizard he feels no affection for me.' the desk clerk kept shaking his head 'no pets'

2012-09-04has anybody got an extra G string? i was strumming too hard and i broke mine

2012-09-03when I go to the movies, i don't expect to be lied to. stick to the facts Hollywood

2012-08-29the skulls on my tshirt reflect my poetical nature & the fact that i accept that life is fragile & fleeting. plus looks badass

2012-08-29i been at Guitar Center all morning soloing on the electric. sales people must have been fans. they gave me a guitar "so I would go home"

2012-08-29after i play a solo in studio, when recording engineer asks Gary do you want to check that out. i say i checked it out when i was playing it

2012-08-29thanks but I am 'in tune.' It must be the rest of the band that's off

2012-08-28i got a tattoo but i forgot where i put it

2012-08-28i come from a long line of frontiersmen and outdoorsmen

2012-08-27when i saw him play the piano, i knew thats what i wanted to do. 20 years later, i realized my dream & i joined a animatronic robot band

2012-08-26i am never alone thanks to a smartphone and headlice

2012-08-26golf was invented so people with hangovers would have something to fall asleep to

2012-08-17ok then genius, how am i suppose to exercise if the gym is non-smoking

2012-08-16my music gives you the clean feeling you expect & the gentleness you want

2012-08-16no my music does not come in a unscented version. every song smells like a sweaty horse

2012-08-10buying cigarettes naked is the best way to show a convenience store clerk you trust him

2012-08-10when i got in the elevator the button was already depressed

2012-08-09most CDs manufactured today will end up as coasters, so make sure your name is printed in large font on the disc itself

2012-08-06my manager Dick Johnson can be a real asshole

2012-08-06nowadays robots handle more & more everyday tasks like paper towel dispensing and singing in tune

2012-08-06you have to think of music as business, so i have outsourced all my lyric production to sweatshop labor in Branson

2012-08-06planning to record album? preproduction very important. before in studio make sure you have 10 to 12 solid tshirt designs

2012-07-24to describe my music, just add one letter to the word 'hit' Nothing but a bunch of 'hits'

2012-07-16I dont like fruit, i like fruit flavor. synthetic FLAVOR tricks your body into thinking it has got fruit recently

2012-07-12autocorrect you have a lot to learn. i did indeed mean to type 'shart'

2012-07-07today i salute the Budweiser flag on my beer can

2012-07-06I only make bald eagle chili once a year and today is the day. the eagle meat i use is from eagles that died of natural causes

2012-07-03i have a idea- what if we take pictures of our food and post on here

2012-06-20he was wearing a cowboy hat- he said, come with me & i'll make you a roper of men

2012-06-18do we really have to make such a big deal about the difference between motorcycles & scooter chairs? their both motorized, grow up people

2012-06-12this month i'll be playing at the Crosby "Knife and Wife" and Graham Cracker Station. also performing at the Chimichanga Festival again

2012-06-06new song: you were less a bitch than the others / still too much bitch for me

2012-06-05thanks but all i 'care to eat' is all i possibly can

2012-06-03i love nature so much. sometimes i wish i could just lay nature down. and whisper pretty love words in its ear

2012-06-02when i wirte a new song, for safekeeping, i whisper the lyrics to old ladies at the grocery store

2012-05-23i am still very active on myspace & i am still very active on Atari

2012-05-01coveteth not thy neighbors wife unless she was checking you out

2012-05-01most people cant stand a phony unless he's rich

2012-04-26its not sexual harrassment, i'm just a bad dancer

2012-04-20the closest i get to being a astronaut is wearing adult diapers on a long car trip

2012-04-17my Coors banquet is a banquet for one

2012-04-16just ate a chimichanga. i think it is a kind of dog

2012-04-02ive had a lot of inqurys but the 3XL panties with my portrait on them are smallest size we offer

2012-03-26good morning. how many of you are sexbots?

2012-03-24whenever i look at the internet i say 'how can i make this about me'

2012-03-21i was playing this club for free but they had to let me go

2012-03-18"When he isn't drinking too heavy, which is very seldom, he is a very nice guy" ~ from Gary's press kit

2012-03-18there's a good chance thats the police knocking at the door

2012-03-17ceblerating the music festival by myself with a south by southwestern chicken Lean Cuisine tv dinner #sxsw

2012-03-09i'm not too good at math. i cheated on my taxes and actually tripled my tax bill

2012-03-08i found a easier way to do my taxes that saves alot of hassle and run around. i just show up at the IRS office on april 15 with handcuffs on

2012-03-02thank you Cottage Cheese Station, Texas for a grate night

2012-02-18i will cure you of your love for music

2012-02-18let the cowboy stink

2012-02-12on sundays I get dressed up and go to restaurants and glare at people dressed casually

2012-01-27confession: i watch wheel of fortune drunk on pat sajak

2012-01-20crying and eating a Ding Dong

2012-01-16with all this premium talent i can carry this show alone / but they have revoked my license so im gonna need a ride home

2012-01-11exited to announce launch of a new line of Gary Floater ski clothes, called HardOn mountain gear

2012-01-09Bartender! Give me a shot of beer

2012-01-01For sale: used calendar with pictures of cats. there faces saying "hang in there" got me thru some tough months. send me massage on myspace

2011-12-22this scarf is not rock n roll posturing i promise

2011-12-13last night i flipped my truck to Neon Moon

2011-12-08in the 1980s, my hair turned white. it wasnt stress, it was cocaine in my hair.

2011-11-25I make me feel like no one else can

2011-11-17Dear Santa please get me a pair of the Bose Christmas music-canceling headphones

2011-11-12Time for post-gig pay fight & money scramble- I throw all our cash on the floor. me & the band grab bills & duke it out til all snatched up

2011-11-07weeklong coke-fueled binge came crashing down when we found out it was actually a kilo of flour

2011-11-02im a big hungry panda bear with china food on my mind

2011-11-02Canadia: a place where you cant own a handgun to protect yourself from goverment agents who are trying to give you free health care

2011-10-29im sorry but i dont have time to read a book with no pictures

2011-10-22can I have a sip of water? today I'm a little horse

2011-10-22on the new coors beer can, the mountains turn blue when im drunk. "mountains blue, shitfaced you"

2011-10-22im a master of multiple genres- tearjerker country tropical country i'm more country country

2011-10-19i grew up on the land & i understand the hard work & struggle to grow things. i understand the farmer, my daddy had a fire ant farm

2011-10-19a eagle flew over the highway today to encourage me

2011-10-17i'd like to play another story song for you, or as I call them, a stong

2011-10-14it reminds me of the holidays to sprinkle the top of my coffee with a little guilt & barely disguised disappointment

2011-10-09Gary's childcare advice: turn on the little mermaid video and fall asleep in front of the door

2011-10-08Go team! go away

2011-10-07you cant fire me, i'm playing for free

2011-10-06at gig, customers asked me to please turn volume down, which I did. next they asked me to please disappear.

2011-10-06i didnt fall for it though. just laughed & said thats impossible

2011-10-05i warn you: when i boil over- somebody gonna get burned. when i get all steamed up- you gonna hear me shout

2011-10-03a guitar is a freak magnet

2011-10-03in a post-apocalyptic world, it will be down to me & the cockroaches. and i will be busy making wine out of cockroaches

2011-10-01don't "baby" your liver or your bandmates. keep them scared so they will work hard for you

2011-09-29At Canada border say u are country artist not a folk artist. "Folk" means youve got weed, "country" just means you're drunk

2011-09-28the vortex neck on this Miller Lite bottle is like flushing a toilet of beer down my throat

2011-09-27Score! Got a platinum-level frequent hotel guest VIP card from Infidelity Suites.

2011-09-26its important to support library- its a sacred public trust and a great place for a hobo to shit

2011-09-26I really dig the public library system. But those books have the worst B.O.

2011-09-24my beard and shades are just like a mobile home / my singing mouth has got to do this job alone

2011-09-23no mustache man can understand or believe the beard I bring

2011-09-23im sorry but she has "gone Gary"

2011-09-22grate news, i'm at dinner with a movie executive and he said, i'd like to offer you a roll

2011-09-19being a bard is hard

2011-09-16TGIF, only two more work days til monday

2011-09-14Gary's mumbled vocals and 3 versions of the same song were the main features his 1987 album titled "Let's Get This Over With"

2011-09-13back in the 70s the Devil was a popular entertainment lawyer/songwirter. Last time I saw him he had been fired from the van halen gig

2011-09-03tried to blow my inheritance from my father, but i cant find a store that will let me buy anything with backhair

2011-09-01at cracker barrel they really do know how to make crackers feel welcome

2011-08-23Gary's Pro Songwirter Tip: "Keep a pork rib on your harmonica rack so you can eat onstage"

2011-08-15se habla espanlo

2011-07-27what "country" means to me is you want "more" and it doesnt have to be low fat

2011-07-24does anybody else's moustache smell weird today?

2011-07-23my 1989 greatest hits album, "Not Quite a Hobo" has been re-release on cassette

2011-07-14asshole reviewer gave 1 star to my album, Denim on Denim. say all the songs sound too much the same

2011-07-08Oh, that reminds me of me

2011-06-26Country Music Composition #futurecollegeclass

2011-06-23spent the afternoon mastering 3 genres: Bad Breakup Country, Lemonade Country, and Tearjerker Country

2011-06-22i lost my virginity, drunk on a camping trip, to a bear

2011-06-19i'm proud you think i could be your father, but you cant prove it

2011-06-17no matter how much people are disgusted by you, youve got to follow your dreams

2011-06-11attn collectors: Gary seeking personal copies of old albums of his from the 70s that he mistakenly smashed in a drunken rage

2011-06-11Seeking playable copies of: Soul Patch, Denim on Denim, & Namedropper

2011-06-11thxs 4 offers but Gary does not care to replace smashed personal copies of his late 70s albums "Who Cares" and "Phoning It In (Again)"

2011-06-11unable to travel out of state to play set at #kangaroo fest. working to get probation restrictions waived for #lollipop festival in august

2011-06-09the cmt award show is a hell of a time

2011-06-01I seen Judy Collins she sent them clowns after me

2011-05-31i was their darling, til '75 when I went country at the shreveport funk festival. the crowd booed & called me "Dumbass"

2011-05-27playing a show tonight on Karaoke Mountain

2011-05-26worte a new song today, "Selfish Lover"

2011-05-17ok satan that's it, you're cut off

2011-05-07who cares, me cares. me cares about me and my song

2011-04-29Hyena Family Records found the master tapes to Gary's 1983 album. The album - titled "Who Cares" - won't be re-released this summer

2011-04-26puffy dan called. cant give me a ride me to the gig- says his truck is stuck in a tree again

2011-04-12Gruene 2nite for GARY's KIDS,benefiting Gary's unacknowledged offspring. He doesnt claim them, but that doesn't mean they dont need our help

2011-04-12Smite not thy neighbor unless he provoketh you.

2011-03-27im not ashamed of what i did, I'm just glad it's over

2011-03-05were you about to call me an asshole?

2011-02-18you are my cliche, my cliche and my cliche. will you cliche me?

2011-02-05I'm ready for love, i'm ready to be hurt again

2011-01-17cow chicken or pig/ put on the sign real big/ til im full as a tick/ i think im gonna be sick- pull over i want to eat that

2011-01-07i may need a new gizmo cause this doohickie is broke

2011-01-02can the football team beat the football team? we'll see

2011-01-01new years eve special- my t shirts is triple the usual price

2010-12-24snorting nutmeg

2010-12-01children- please leave

2010-11-29singing pages from my diary

2010-11-27traditions make our country strong. today i make a snowman out of food

2010-11-23hark tis season for sweaters and boots / oh ye rugged cozy look

2010-11-19Ding ding a ling, ding ding a ling. its time to get Holiday High. Cheatham st wrhse sun 12/19 www.garyfloater.com/

2010-11-17Been waking up lately feeling some type of way. cant shake this type of feeling

2010-10-30If you need something broken im your man

2010-10-30Consider me gone...any minute now...goodbye...after this chorus...im gone...soon...dont need ya...ha...oh yeah...bye soon yeah...maybe later

2010-10-26i sure love to hear that robot sing

2010-10-26whats your favrite meaningless question for your tweeps?

2010-10-22they havent won a game but he's got district dreams. he tackled himself for the good of the team

2010-10-08china food on my mind

2010-10-01I'll be right behind you satan, dont you worry

2010-09-20"You Had to Be There: Gary Floater Live" will be reissued by Hyena Family Records

2010-09-19whipped up some homemade tossed pork salad. now recliner time

2010-09-08dont pont your finger and laugh, cowboys like froot loops too

2010-09-03i dont have time 2 teach you YOUR job Starbucks man. I repeat: one grandé latté olé. he just stares. expreso milk black beans. not that hard

2010-08-31nothing i like to do pays well

2010-08-31hold me closer tiny grandpa

2010-08-30men will live like billy goats if they are left alone

2010-08-12i feel a southern rock relationship breakup song coming on

2010-08-01Worte a new song today "she smells like Texas"

2010-07-28no matter how much you frown its hard to look dignified eating a Cinnabon

2010-07-28once you get good at custom camo spray painting its hard to know when to stop

2010-07-22Cats do not provide wool or milk or meat

2010-06-12i sure as hell showed up to the right place. hot damn son! i was born for this! www.garyfloater.com/2010/06/sign.html

2010-06-11dont throw it away- my business card doubles as a hit of acid

2010-06-07im sorry, satan, im going to have to ask you to move your car. you cant park there.

2010-05-29up on jackass creek, down on shitface dam, out on sunburn lake, with a catfish in my hand

2010-05-24This is not- just another angel song / nor a worn out tale about a old leprechaun

2010-05-13Love these new beer cans, the mountains turn blue when im drunk

2010-05-13Mountains blue, shitfaced you

2010-04-19evertime i fall backward nobody cheers

2010-04-13i finely found a meal as country as i am that i can eat with country pride www.garyfloater.com/2010/04/pride.html

2010-04-07if you see a eagle with tits you musta ate too much vicodin

2010-03-11i play your body like a fine guitar

2010-03-11im sorry, i spilled beer on your baby

2010-03-06you can put lipstick on a pig but its hard as hell to pin a wig on him right

2010-03-01i sure could make that thing talk

2010-01-23swiss miss on my mustash, wirting songs in the sno

2010-01-22hiding out n blending in at a ski resort, wearing a tammy hilfinger puffy jacket. these snowmoborders dont know a star is in there mist.

2010-01-22Like to broke my arm and lost 3 good cowboy hats this morn. Nomore snowmobord for ol Floater, rabbit slope or no.

2010-01-20used to think a panda was a beautiful animal til I learnt from these chinese buffet places they are total gluttons

2010-01-17Kicked out of pubic library. all I told em was the popout cupholder on their computer where I usully put my folgers mug down, wasnt working

2010-01-16slept prety good last night in a elk carcass i found at a national park. i did lose one of my harmonicas somewhere though

2010-01-15woke up on cold plastic terlet near mt rushmore. i looked up at the faces of nixon & reagan there & saw tears streaming down.

2010-01-14got to get out of town for awile. somebody from a law enforsement agency- the PBS - trying to track ol Floater down. nossir, im gone

2010-01-14Lets see um foller that trail- drove all night in nary a strait line, weaving, SON! Viennas give out at KS line. On to land of moose humpers

2010-01-14it aint Floater's week- theres anothern. i heared on the radio- from the NPR telling me to call in now. nossir, i aint giving up that easy

2010-01-14while im on the run im cleverly disquised as a doctorman. people at waffle house stare and act like they never seen a stethoscop before.

2010-01-14motel calls & says my room smells like urine. i say of course it does im using raccoon urine cover scent. motel say I owe a cleanup fee.

2010-01-13Playing a show tonight at Shitbird Tavern from 9 to 2 in Brunswick MO

2009-12-31who stomps who? bocephus vs charlie daniels

2009-12-30Dear people in front of me at U R Cooks. Know how the system works. i cant stand incompatints.

2009-12-30puttin the honky into honky tonk

2009-12-26kids are so gullable- Uncle Gary we don't have no chimbley. well then Santy musta clumb up from the terlet

2009-12-25mustash wax and a pocket brethalizer

2009-12-23im begining to drink a lot like christmas

2009-12-23these mashed potatoes wont eat themselves

2009-12-23ill protect myslef with pie

2009-12-23i guess ill have another helping of that guilt casserole- it sure is good

2009-12-21mustache roasting by a open fire

2009-12-19makes me sick. calls it working sitting with there etchasketch. Id rather have a goldfish than one of those lapdance computers

2009-12-17Return Policy- Gary says if you don't like the CD he says you should "go to his ex-wife's house and ask her for your money back."

2009-12-16painful rhinestonectomy procedure got me layin low tonite

2009-12-15sedning you warmfelt wishes for a Happy Magictime

2009-12-13got my plumsmugglers on / singin a coach's song

2009-12-12lost my pay phone. send me your numbers

2009-12-11i have drinkability. i also have throwupability

2009-12-11eating bareclaw.

2009-12-10And I shivered as I watched a roach crawl across the tow of my high heel boot

2009-12-05all i here is talk talk talk of this teen sensation in country music named wynonna

2009-12-05wereever you go i will be there to pont out you mistake

2009-12-05it was a ding dong sir not snowballs not twinkies. i was eating a ding dong.

2009-12-04i will critcize you wherever i can

2009-12-04got some snow on my nose

2009-12-01thanks me

2009-11-26Save room for desert- mamas makin that old Mojave pie

2009-11-26goldang ima thirsty bear

2009-11-23so cute- some kids catching some Zs under the pool table at clicks- this is truley a family pool hall

2009-11-22No I cant walk you thru this / for I am a just a wirter of songs

2009-11-19Best not listen to that song -its STRONG son- break your mind- i cant take responsible

2009-11-19fingers crossed. doctorman called- says they may have found illegible beard donor

2009-11-17that egg man's broke, he's gone. i cant do nothing for him

2009-11-14ive got hungry eyes

2009-11-11Reviewer said my songs are "full of cliche"- hello I dont even speak french

2009-11-11angry barely formed thought

2009-11-11rerite: my windsheilds full of future things / and my rear view doesnt need you anymore

2009-11-11he just stared at me. so i said im sorry but i cant be expected to remember every Tom Dick and Harry that saves my life

2009-11-08you denny's chefs & your black magic- this Sizzlin' Breakfast SkilletTM takes my senses on a journey, exactly what consumers want!

2009-11-07playing a gig at the Subway counter at T&A truck stop in Miami MO. Eat a BMT/ and listen to me.

2009-11-02Legendary legend releases legendary album of legends

2009-10-29exited to trying out new box wine tonite- called "Hangover Canyon"

2009-10-22teenagers today make me sick- what with their skateboards and doc watson shoes

2009-10-12unwinding- applebees with a cold budweiser, big chief tablet, shaprened pencil

2009-10-07got a bad feeling- them chicken wings wasnt boneless after all

2009-10-06time for new publisity pic- ready or not, railroad tracks, here I come!

2009-09-30All I "care to eat" is all I possibly can

2009-09-28Playing a show at the Country Beatdown Festival in Miami, MO on Thursday

2009-09-24guess who's on the cover of Grape Soda Aficionado this month? a hint- same guy as was on last issue of Mustache Observer...

2009-09-23you smell that? you feel that cheell? with outstretched arms i usher in the fautumntime

2009-09-20if regrets were horses /i'd have a stampeed

2009-09-20dump your love on me

2009-09-19ate two americana platters at grandy's- i'm stuffed

2009-09-19somehow uncle hangover must have snuck in with auntie good times

2009-09-03wtf I ordered a volcano taco with xtra lava sauce and btw what is fresco style anyway

2009-09-01aint no perfume strong enough/ to cover the stink of failure

2009-08-25its sad- they can barely speak spanish in spain anymore. i ordered a taquito and this spaniard waiter just stared. acted like he didnt know

2009-08-16Heard a record of Town Zan Vant. He'll never make it in this business. Not a great singer.

2009-07-01I told you I'm not dead.

2009-06-17Tanya Tucker winked at me when I's standing in line

2009-05-31Floater Fact #42: you ain't no singing star til you buy a t shirt from a boutique with swirls and skulls on it

2009-05-29good morning- starting another FLOATER day in the same FLOATER way- downing a couple of cream of mushroom chuggers

2009-05-29my real name is Garrett

2009-05-20Floater Fact#12: To be a good country singer, first name must end with Y or IE.

2009-05-07getting pissed off - my scooter chair is broke down again - guess I shouldn't run it in the mud

2009-05-01I've got to take care of these hungry dreams, until I'm satisfied / pull over I want to eat that, I want to eat it with country pride

2009-04-23Hello Diabetes, I knew that you'd be here/ I left the light on for you all through the ding-dong years

2009-04-14Gary Floater: A Wretch Like Me - a new Floater gospel record in the works

2009-03-19#wheresmycar #pizza